I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
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I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
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So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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