it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
