I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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