??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
