I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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