Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
