I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
