My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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