I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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