i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
