Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
