did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
