You just made me feel so damn special
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
