is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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