His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
