I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
