I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
