just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
