so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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