there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
