i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Randomize
