so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
