I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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