if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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