A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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