Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
