i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
