Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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