Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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