my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
