He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
