I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Are my feet made of real feet?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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