happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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