So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
