i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
