Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
