my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize