Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on