I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dating After Heartbreak
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.