the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I looked at my own cervix.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!