Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
