I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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