Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Never let your siblings swipe right.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
