I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
