Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
