I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
