I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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