i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
