i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
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Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
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They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down