I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
