We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
