yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
