Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
