I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
