new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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